Sometimes someone else tells our story better…

My friends Tim & Maya just started a new blog called Mr. Cheap & Ms. Chic. It’s a great take on what it means to be in your twenties in LA (from both a male and female perspective). I was the subject of their last entry. And so (blushing) I present you an unedited, different perspective:

“Speaking of cell phones, my friend Bryce called mine the other day. Bryce is a good-looking guy so I picked up.

“Timbo!” he exclaimed.

“Hey man,” I replied.

What transpired: Bryce asked me if I wanted to go with him to a bar near my house and hear a girl sing. In truth, this sounded delightful and I didn’t need any more selling, but Bryce also offered to drive and buy me a drink for the company. I guess I’m just that much fun to hang out with.

On the way to Molly Malone’s, Bryce told me that this girl was in the music program at USC and had a lustful voice.

“Has she had sex with Mark Sanchez,” I inquired.

“Not to my knowledge,” Bryce said.

I wasn’t convinced, but I didn’t push the conversation. I hear Sanchez is a real sneaky guy. Bryce mentioned he had a cute little crush on her and that he thought he might have a shot at making her hit some high notes in the bedroom. This didn’t surprise me because like I said, Bryce is a good-looking guy.

When we entered the back room at Molly Malone’s, Bryce’s girl was already singing her little heart out. That’s when I looked around and made eye contact with 7 other dude duos. Apparently Bryce’s girl had made a few other flirtatious phone calls and 7 other tempted fish had taken the bait…there’s so goddamn many in the sea and apparently a handful desire the USC serpent woman and the Alanis Morisette-like caress of her scaly tongue.

Anyway, I was in the same position as 7 other wingmen. We all offered to fly along for one reason and one reason alone: Goose is the most sympathetic character in Top Gun. I scoped my competition and they scoped me. There were 4 other women in the room, 2 of them under 30, and all four of them clearly had boyfriends.

It was one of those situations where everyone is thinking the same thing but nobody lets their guard down. If I would have tapped any of the dude duos and been like, “Which one of you thought he had a shot,” they would have known exactly what I was talking about. Yet we all sat quietly and listened to Joan Osborne sing about life from the eyes of a student in USC’s prestigious music program. She had a pretty voice.

TIP: Do something that puts you on a stage and invite lots of the opposite sex to see you perform. Kelly McGillis in Top Gun and the USC girl are epitomes.”

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