Top 5 Regrets of People on their Deathbed

I came across this post by Bonnie Ware - original here. It's the most important thing I've read in a long time:

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. 

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard. 

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. 

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle. 

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. 

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. 

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly,in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. 

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip.But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks,love and relationships. 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have sillyness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again,long before you are dying.

Decomodization through Customer Service

There is too much stuff! The world is totally oversupplied. Too many frozen yogurt stores, too many houses for sale, too many Cash4Gold schemes. Only in a world so over inundated with stuff could a company like Groupon be so wildly successful. If you ask old school deli owners they will tell you the first rule is "never discount your food." Yet businesses are lining up to offer 50 to 90% discounts, because there isn't enough demand to meet supply. Now in the ultimate irony, there are too many deal of the day websites!

In a world that is so wildly oversupplied an entrepreneur wonders, what can I sell that will actually make a profit? What can I do to differentiate my product from the rest. It all comes down to building a defensible brand. You can build a brand through superior advertising - see Dos Equis. You can build a brand through a simpler product - see Apple. Most recently, we have witnessed the rise of brands built on the back of superior customer service. These fascinate me. 

There are thousands of websites that sell shoes. The end product - shoes - is no different from one website to the next. So Tony Hsieh's decision to start a shoe website puzzled everyone. After all this was the tech entrepreneur who sold his first company to Microsoft for $265 million. What Hseih realized was that a brand could be built by delivering better customer service than anyone else selling shoes online. Free shipping, free returns, free shipping when returning and quirky, happy customer service reps available 24/7. The result: Hseih sold Zappo's to Amazon for $1.2 billion. 

Compute is now as much of a commodity as electricity. But unlike electricity there are thousands of website hosting services. Every host promises 99.999999% up time and best in class speed, so how do you differentiate such a commodity? Customer service. Rackspace is renowned for having the most fanatical customer service team in the industry. They are available by phone or chat at all times. They are all American based, well educated and happy. This is why I choose Rackspace for all my hosting.  

The purpose of building a brand is being able to charge a premium for your product or service. Brands have bigger profit margins because of their perceived quality in the mind of consumers. Investing in superior customer service enables Zappos and Rackspace to charge more for what would otherwise be commodities. 

Decomodization through customer service has a lot of big companies questioning their customer service practice. Some of which are reconsidering their long held practice of outsourcing customer service. Which begs a, personally relevant question, how can outsourcing company decomoditize itself through customer service?

Bootstrapping is a Bitch

There are two ways to build a company - with money and without money. Building a company with money looks like this: Entrepreneur has an idea and goes out to raise capital. Generally they'll raise equity, selling off a portion of their vision in exchange for the capital required to manifest it. Sometimes they'll raise debt, meaning they have to pay back the capital, plus interest over time. 

Monied entrepreneurs all complain about dilution, interest payments and answering to their board. So why do they raise money? Because money is the difference between a great developer and a decent developer, getting it right the first time instead of the third and delivering the product before you get beat by the competition. Raising money is generally a good trade off. 

Building a company without money looks like this: Entrepreneur has an idea and bets his or her lifesavings on it. They invest every dime of their worth, move back in with their parents to cut down on costs, and work 18 hours days playing every role they can to eliminate company overhead. To put it simply: it's nuts. 

So why did I build my company without money? Well to begin with I was 21 and had no understanding of how much venture and angel funding was available. The thought of someone giving me a million dollars for my idea was preposterous. But the real reason was I wanted to own 100% of my business, I wanted to control it's fate. This isn't as easy as it sounds. The exchange was much slower growth, much less up front expertise and hundreds of more working hours for yours truly. 

Looking back I have regrets. In just two years we have grown into a real business.  But only now do I have the money to hire the expertise required to reveal all the mistakes that I made since the beginning. This is a very expensive learning experience - penalties, fees, legal and accounting expenses are the ghosts that haunt a recently "profitable" business. If only I had an extra $100,000 at the start I could have hired the experts, I could have avoided costly mistakes…

Would I have done it different? Would I try to raise money it I had my time over? 

Nope. 

There is no doubt that the non-monied entrepreneur has it harder. But the non-monied entrepreneur also has the one thing that I prize more than anything - freedom. 

The Reality

Mark Suster wrote an amazing post on TechCrunch yesterday about the reality of being a start up entrepreneur. It was very inspiring to me. The past month has been a non-stop grind. Some days have been great, others have been awful. Apparently, this is a pretty common experience for start up entrepreneurs. Suster's post can be summarized with this awesome picture:

Go read it. 

Gratitude

It's been a while! The past three or four months have been filled with work and stress, both good and bad. But I missed my blog. I'd find myself saying, "I'll get around to blogging when..." But like promises and resolutions, I'd just keep putting it off. 

Speaking of resolutions my 2011 resolution is to be more grateful. The past two or three years I've found myself ambitiously striving for more. More success, more exercise, more friends, more women, more time, more... Ironically, I got a lot more of a lot of things, but I found that it just left me more stressed and more depressed. I've realized what I really need is simple - more satisfaction, more happiness, more gratitude. 

So I've been focusing on one or two things a day that I am truly blessed to have in my life. The first one that jumps to mind this morning is Dom, my girlfriend of the past 6 months.

We spent this weekend in Dallas and it was a blast. She has such cool friends. I'm so blessed to have found someone that shares such an uninhibited passion for experience, travel and food. In just six short months we've gone to Hawaii, Mammoth and Dallas together. She is grounded, down to earth and absolutely gorgeous. In May or June of last year I told Rich, Jaspar and Tom that I wanted a relationship, and in a few short months Dom had come into my life. She is hands down the best thing that happened to me in 2010. And everyday I appreciate just how lucky I am to have her in my life. Falling in love is one of life's greatest gifts. 

The Pursuit of Happiness

I'm  surprised by how little we talk about happiness. People worry about how they look, how much they earn, what they drive, and all of these are seen as potential paths to happiness. But very few people seem to think about happiness itself. For the past decade I have struggled with both anxiety and depression, so happiness has become a sort of obsession for me. In my pursuit of happiness here are things I've found essential:

1. Exercise - I exercise everyday. Running, swimming or doing yoga. I don't do it to look good or even to stay healthy. I do it because it makes me feel good. There is a biochemical reaction to exercise. The harder I work, the more endorphins are released, the happier I feel.
2. Experience - I spend way too much money at restaurants and on trips and  far too little on cars and clothes. Why? Because things don't make you happy. The brief surge of happiness you get from a purchase is fleeting. Today's hot gadget becomes tomorrow's headache. So I opt for experience always. I've flown over 100,000 miles this year, I've eaten at some of the best restaurants in the world, and most importantly, I have connected with incredibly interesting people.
3. Relationships - Building relationships with friends and lovers is one of the best ways to drive long term happiness. Whether I am philosophizing with Tom or Rich, running the city with Jaspar or cuddling with Dom, I am happy.
4. Reflection - Maintaining perspective in this crazy world is tough. Taking sometime to sit quietly and reflect each day can help a lot. I meditate. But you can go for a walk or simply sit. It takes patience. But the long term effects of daily reflection are pretty spectacular.